I’m not quite sure what my intention is for keeping this online journal. Historically, I’ve only written when I need to sort through my troubles and depression. A couple years ago, I started a couple online journals that helped me express during the exploration of my spiritual journey, but only found myself getting caught up on the process and daily reliving the same struggles I did the day before. I found that there was a lack of growth in my own life. Not that the writing kept me stuck, but I would put too much emphasis on the stucked-ness, and not focus on the growth and journey itself.
Truth be told, I am not a writer, I’m not a blogger. In fact, I really don’t like writing at all. It’s not my favorite form of expression, as opposed to a drawing or painting or composing a photograph.
Yesterday morning, after I had my moment at that coffee counter, I found the overwhelming urge to start writing again. Even though I’m not aware to the reason why, I don’t find myself questioning it. My quest the past few weeks is allowance – the allowance of Spirit…God…to do It’s work in my life and to let it be. Perhaps this is all a part of this process, but that’s a guess, at best.
Over this past weekend I attended a Spiritual Retreat. I don’t know that I can pinpoint how, but the retreat was transformative, and to say that it was an important piece in my evolution is an understatement. The beautiful humans that joined me over the weekend were perfectly placed in my life during those 40 hours and the energy there was full and vibrant and lifegiving.
During the closing meeting of the weekend, we engaged in a visioning practice. One of the questions that was asked of us was, “What must I become?” The surprising answer that came was:
I am a channeler of The Divine.
The last thing I’d ever think of myself being is a channeler of Something so magnificent, and by no means a sage of any sort, or any type of authority on Spiritual Practice.
But here I am, allowing. This, and this alone, is my new Spiritual Practice. Does this play some role in this chapter of my life and writing?
Last night, I eagerly awaited those moments in the morning – conversations – before coffee, I witnessed yesterday morning. I woke this morning to my alarm at 5:45, though I didn’t set my alarm (and haven’t for months). I am not quite sure how my alarm was set or was ready for me to go at 5:45 this morning. My best guess is that it was Spirit’s way of allowing me the time to engage in that conversation I craved so deeply. However, as it sounded, I rolled over, grabbed my phone, and quickly silenced the alarm. Back to sleep I went.
I woke again at 6:30, after my oldest daughter announced that we were running late and I had to be up and ready for the day. Even though we were running late, I indulged in the same routine as every morning. Rolling out of bed, followed by stumbling through the house to find my prize in the nicotine that brings me to life each morning.
Thoughts showed as images in my head: Work I had to get done for a Client, photos I need to edit for 2 weddings I shot, work I need to complete for other small jobs I have, people I need to connect with today. All of it demanding. All of it nagging. I pushed aside all that was tugging at me and yearned for the silence. Perhaps it wasn’t too late for God to sneak in so we could talk a bit.
It was then that I remembered last night’s meditation and the dreams I had over night.
I love to partake in guided meditations and frequently turn to YouTube to find one that pulls me into it. Last night I found myself giving in to “Hypnosis for Meeting Your Spirit Guide In a Lucid Dream“. It was a particularly long meditation and I did find myself in deep sleep by the end of it. Though, the imagery of the meditation was nothing short of breathtaking.
I found myself in a large field of lavender, under a vibrant blue sky speckled with clouds. At some point near the beginning of the meditation, my mind wanted to place lavender on the left side of the field and sunflowers on the right, but for some reason I didn’t allow it. I followed a clear path through the field to the other side where I found crystal clear waters that pooled under a soft and short waterfall and an ancient willow tree. After a little while, I met the Spirit of a human that’s no longer on this earthly plane that I’ve never met. We chatted a few minutes, and their request was that I remain true and genuine in all that I do and I never find myself coming from anything other than a place of Love. I dutifully and respectfully agreed to the request and was overwhelmed in honor by her presence.
After our conversation, I found myself swimming in the clear blue waters of the pool for a period of time, when I was then I was greeted by Vishnu. I’ve studied Hindu in the past, but I’ve not studied Hindu deities to any extent of knowing what they might represent in my life or during a meditation. There was no verbal greeting by Vishnu, no conversation. There was only a simple knowingness of some sort of His presence, and an exchange, as He handed me the Bhagavad Gita. As He faded from existence in my vision, an elephant that appeared on His left side remained. The elephant was radiant and felt to represent a stoic nature of being. I focused my attention on the elephant as it shrunk to the size of my palm, and made it’s home there. I grasped it, holding tightly, and quickly drifted off to deep sleep.
I woke for a short time after my meditation and, with the Elephant still present with me, I found this bit from a little research:
Dreams filled with Elephant carry messages of transformation and spiritual power. Elephant in one’s dreams can signify the emergence of one’s Highest True Self. The Self, deep within the Collective Unconscious, only emerges when one has done one’s shadow work and integrated the contents of the Unconscious with Conscious Mind. This cannot be done by oneself, but is a sign of the Grace of the Divine and gift of Love of the As Above.
How powerful! How incredible! How perfectly fitting that elephant is to the Life that I am experiencing!
Moving forward, after a full night of sleep, most likely between the time my alarm went off at 5:45 and 6:30, when I woke for the morning, my dad (who passed in 2012) appeared to me in a dream. We were not particularly close when he was alive. He was the typical absent father, and we would only see each other every few years during holidays at my grandmother’s house. We were in a dark room with some of the family there. The room, which was a rented party hall, was blue and filled with only half-light. I didn’t interact much with my father at first in my dream. Initially, I was trying to avoid him. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to him, but I didn’t want to deal with the small talk associated with seeing someone after not seeing them for a long period of time, when you really aren’t sure what to say. I roamed the room and took note of those in my family that were there and those that weren’t there for whatever particular reason.
My dad and I did finally connect, and I remember no specific conversation. Though, I felt love. I felt an overwhelming amount of love. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt love from him, or knew in any particular way that he did love me. Being absent for most of my life, growing up – and likely to this day, I most certainly felt a sense of neglect and being unloved by him. Maybe even an unworthiness associated with love and the feeling that love won’t find me. Maybe he came to heal that within me? Maybe he visited to show me something other than those feelings of lack? Maybe he appeared to let me know that I am worthy and that love is seeking me?
As I write, I don’t know what very much of this means. I don’t know that I can connect any of the dots, aside from the appearance of the elephant. And do I want to? Do I need to? Do I need to know what it all means? Perhaps, within me, my Higher Self knows what it all means and is working Itself out. I am content to continue standing here, sans judgement, sans opinion, and allow.